Somewhere in between of November

It was hard to be silent,
It was hard to be silent for me.
It was hard to stay calm,
It was harder to stay calm for a person I was born to be.
It is so hard to stay quiet , so hard to stay careless , even harder to stay careful, so hard not to feel, so hard not to miss, so so hard not to forgive , so damn hard not to remember , so hard being restless, so hard being both restless and restful, so hard not to smile, so hard not to cry. So hard being me. From something cool, from something fun, from something sad,from some joy, the sorrowful sadness, the bears, the swans, the girls, the boys, the lines, the paints, the shades, the moves, the run, the still, the laugh, the cry, the love, and lie, and I, and you, and she,and her, and him, and him.

It was hard. being at tea, and drink, be calm.

Actually I was singing my words. It was, hump up, hump down , hump down and down .



I have this beautiful person, he calls me mother.
He's not my child.
Though sometimes I love him like I gave birth to him.
Sometimes like a mother, I forgive him
Sometimes like a lover, I torture him
All the time like me. I love him.
I have many beautiful persons around me.
Ones who cry with me. Ones who laugh with me. Ones who stay silent being in my life. Beautiful persons, very very beautiful persons.

I learnt many things from them.
I have a wicked feeling with books, and words, brought out in this world by humans and their souls. Much much more than the anonymously spoken.

I learnt many things from the beautiful girls I know.
Very very beautiful girls.
The ones I love.
The ones love me.
The ones they think I don't love them.
The ones I think they don't love me.
They ones we think we have nothing to do in each other's lives.
Very very beautiful souls.
Very very colorful souls.
I just can't hate an exact person full heartedly.
And sometimes I'm stuck real stuck. When I feel ugly , I can't feel the person in concern 's ugly and give him or her all the blame or have a clear knowledge that he or she is totally ugly so I can stay restful and give the whole blame on them. Because I know they are beautiful and those parts that are they just can't be denied .

So, I stressed myself out.



And tonight I have three beautiful persons sent messages to me at once.
It is so strange some how coz I no longer believe in fate.
But they must mean something do they dreamer hey you dreamer I'm talking to you hey hey hey hey you , dreamer.

I would love to think of them special. to be honest, I'm a little bit believe in destiny.

It's somewhat nonesense dont you think so.
I say it out loud I don't give a shit about fate.
But I want to think they're fated to come at once in the night.


And I think, No. I know they're special to me.

I know. They are special to me.


One spoke me the question I've always been searching for.
One asked me the question as an invitation for something I've always wanted to do.
And one told me it is alright, even when I'm not.






And
I feel a little bit wonderful to be wonderful.